Movie Monkey Shoot

With the recent announcement that the soulless vampires at the studio will soon be remaking our beloved Bank Robbing/Surfer film from the 90′s, the staff at Movie Monkey Shoot has decided to create a list of the Top 10 Reasons why Point Break was awesome and the remake will suck floppy donkey balls. Patrick Swayze must be spinning in his grave.

If you have yet to see the original Point Break, go ahead and slap yourself across the head before we get a chance too and run down to your local Wally World and pick up a copy. We’ll give you a brief synopsis in the meantime.

Johnny Utah (Keanu Reeves) is a simple-minded ex-college quarterback from the Mid West and a rookie FBI Agent that gets partnered up with veteran Angelo Pappas (Gary Busey). They begin to investigate a series of bank robberies by the ex-presidents who Pappas believes are surfers and sends Utah undercover as a surfer to sniff out the bandits. Anything beyond that will ruin this gem of 90′s action cinema for you. If you haven’t already seen Point Break see it now. If you have, see it again.

10. Keanu Reeves shoots directly up into the air and screams ahhgghhhhhh.

Bromance doesn't get more intense than this

After a long and harrowing chase through the streets of LA, Keanu’s Johnny Utah has almost got the drop on his misguided surfer friend and has a chance to end his crime spree at point-blank range. Pop quiz hot-shot, What does he do? His bromance with Bodhi has become so intense that furthering his career and the chance to sit behind a desk for the rest of his life pushing pencils doesn’t seem as important anymore so he decides to not shoot him and let the cat and mouse game resume with a loud scream heard throughout the entire Los Angeles.

9. The Bank Robbers ironically wear masks of former Presidents as a metaphor to their life of crime.

Take that corporate America

What better way to give Uncle Sam the big FU than by robbing banks while wearing masks of ex-presidents who may or may not have been felons themselves? Well played sir. In the updated remake the staff here at Movie Monkey Shoot would desperately like to see masks of Obama, Dubya and Clinton worn by the 21st century bank robbers.

8. Anthony Kiedis tries to jump Keanu Reeves then gets shot in the foot for good measure.

What I've got you got to get it put it in you

Regardless of your opinion on the Red Hot Chili Peppers, we can all agree that they are definitely not the band they used to be. So watching Anthony Kiedis get his comeuppance 20 years prior to him going all porn star stache’ on us was a sight for sore eyes. After Point Break and co-starring with Charlie Sheen in The Chase, Kiedis decided to abandon Hollywood and stick to music. Smart move.

Trust me Tony, Hollywood ain't worth it.

7. Gary Busey at the apex of his coke fueled turbulent career.

Ya I'm mad!

Gary Busey was at one point the greatest method actor working in Hollywood. The constant demand for severely coked up malcontent roles was so strong that he actually began snorting truck loads of cocaine to remain in a state of constant preparedness. We salute Busey for his constant devotion to the art of method acting.

6. Utah fights a wet naked chick straight out of the shower.

After busting in on the wrong gang of suspects and putting their crystal meth business on permanent hiatus, Johnny Utah gets jumped by one of their crack ho’s and nearly gets beaten to death by a 100 pound naked chick who looks like she took fight lessons from Brock Lesnar. Why haven’t they invented naked chick cage fighting yet? We’re getting pretty tired of watching Brock fist guys into submission in what appears to be gay porn inside a cage.

5. Johnny Utah vows to Walk Away.

One of the greatest lines of dialogue from this amazing diatribe of bank robbing culture is Johnny Utah’s desperate plea with Bodhi to let his kidnapped girlfriend go free from her captors. If this doesn’t make you want to give Keanu a big fat hug I don’t know what will.

4. Pappas is so hungry he could eat the ass end out of a dead rhino.

This reason needs no further explanation, watch the scene in question below.

3. Utah fights a guy named War Child.

Do not buy Crystal Meth from this guy

In the modern lexicon of American names, War Child is without doubt the most hardcore, ass kicking name next to Rasputin that will almost guarantee your kid will become an evil tyrant of a European country or some low-level crystal meth dealer living in a beach shack with Anthony Kiedis and a few bar skanks.

2. (Spoiler Alert) Bodhi rides the ultimate wave to his death in Bells Beach, Australia.

You know I'm still sort of banging your girlfriend

In the annals of movie villain history, no other villain has died such a spectacularly glorious death than watching Bodhi ride his last wave into oblivion after nearly getting caught by Australian PD.

1. Johnny Utah jumps out of a plane without a parachute to attack Bodhi in mid-air.

Parachute's are for Nancy boy's

This one scene pretty much sums up why I watch Point Break every day on constant repeat (ok not really but I watch it a lot) Even though we know that Bodhi has ample parachutes available to his crew, Johnny Utah in all his big dick badassery does not give this one moments thought. All he is thinking about is reclaiming his surf bunny and not let Bodhi once again get the upper hand. So what does he do? He takes a flying nose dive out of an airplane without a parachute armed simply with a revolver. This scene is worth the price of admission alone.

This past weekend a great little film by Steven Soderberg named Contagion was released to critical acclaim and opened up the eyes of a whole new generation of movie fans that occasionally forget to wash their hands after dropping a deuce in the heavily contaminated public bathroom at the local cineplex.

A widespread outbreak of a deadly disease is nothing new to the world. AIDS, Bird Flu and even that Bubonic Plague that leveled Europe during the 14th Century like Godzilla trampeling through Japan has proven that Nature is a much more powerful force than Lysol Spray will ever be.

The team here at Movie Monkey Shoot has compiled a list of 5 terrifying reasons why a Contagion style outbreak is not too far fetched and totally possible. After reading this report, make sure you immediately wash your hands with GoJo and stop shaking hands with that creepy old man next door with the open sores around his mouth.

5. An estimated 75% of the population does NOT wash their hands after using the Restroom.

You just shook hands with this guy

One of the most revolting things ever witnessed by the human race (besides that youtube video of a naked Martha Stewart doing Pilates) is the inside of a typical mens restroom. All across the country there are a plethora of lavatories that have not been washed in months and have millions of bacteria that have developed their own infrastructure. Along with these vile bathrooms are millions of unruly citizens regularly coming in to take care of business and routinely ignore the one rule your mother taught you that actually makes sense now, Wash your freaking hands after handling your winky! Unfortunately for us these vile land creatures are under the assumption that their winky is made of sterling silver and no possible STD from that weekend romp they had with Boom-Queeta the South Beach tranny could ever possibly escape their manhood and make its way to your cereal bowl.

So fabulous she defecates chlamydia glitter

#4 They still haven’t found a cure to the common Cold.  

Where's your Green Tea now bitches?!

Among the marvels of modern science is the sad realization that even though we can spend millions of dollars researching how a pig’s orgasm can last upwards of 30 minutes, they still haven’t found a cure to something as simple as the common cold. Not surpisingly is the fact that the Common Cold industry alone is a $7 billion dollar a year industry and the simple cure for this virus could be nothing more than a glass of OJ, cup of Noodles and watching a few reruns of Lost passed out on the couch over the weekend. We get it. There’s profit to be had and keeping you sick brings in much more revenue than a $2 dollar cure.

#3 The Hand-Shake is still the most popular greeting.

Oh hey Bob, I was just scratching my taint two minutes ago

One of the great mysteries of the Japanese culture is how they created the bow as an ingenious touch free greeting yet they still consider the bukkake a ravenous art form. If we can learn anything from those clever circle jerkers is that greeting someone without having to physically touch them will save you countless trips to your neighborhood MD. Unfortunately the handshake is still the most popular method to greet someone here in North America and the bow was always considered a form of weakness since WW2. I mean seriously, how else can dominate male monkeys establish dominance over one another without the ability to crush each others hands during their first meeting? One of the many subtle ways the counterculture of the 21st century has tried to rid the world of this archaic greeting is by the addition of the fist bump into modern usage. Absolute genius on so many levels. How are you supposed to know if the person you just met didn’t just have their right hand down their pants and were fondling their wang two minutes prior to your meeting? You aren’t supposed to know and you never will. So if you want to stay relatively healthy and avoid hand germs from that dude that just wanked his walrus in the port o’ potty 5 minutes prior, keep fist bumping your heart out.

Your hand kinda smells like dick cheese so I'm just gonna fist bump you instead.

2. The Flu Vaccine actually causes you to get the Flu.

That hurts you fucking donkey cunt!

It’s no secret that the medical industry has an illuminati style stranglehold on the population at large. Do you honestly believe they haven’t found a cure for AIDS, Cancer or even the Flu yet? Of course they have. It’s locked away in the same vault along with Osama Bin Laden’s last paycheck from the CIA. They don’t want to cure you. They make a lot more money from you when you’re sick and in desperate need of something more powerful than Tylenol PM and a shot of Wild Turkey. It’s what makes the world go round and if you stay healthy, Dr. Strangelove can’t buy a new Ferrari.

#1 We’re all just ol’ dirty bastards at heart.

Born and bred in Brooklyn Zoo

You’re all just a bunch of ol’ dirty basterds. Well not YOU specifically. If you’re on our website than you’re all right. We like you. We’re talking about those OTHER nasty people that don’t bother to wash their hands, sneeze without covering their mouths and like to scratch their taint before greeting us. The world is full of half witted morons that failed to grasp the concept of personal hygiene. They are the reason why you have an 85% chance of getting explosive diarreah from that bowl of peanuts you innocently ate from at the bar last night. Be warned.

Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star (no stars) 

It drives me absolutely bat shit psychotic how you could literally throw a dart onto a poster of the faces of every failed SNL star of yesteryear and pick a better actor to play a character as farfetched as Bucky Larson than the loathsome Nick Swardson. Whoever the studio exec was that decided Nick Swardson was going to be the next big thing should be strapped to a chair with their eyelids strapped open watching the following Bucky Larson trailer on repeat while getting kicked in the nuts repeatedly by Adam Sandler.

This film isn’t just bad, it’s an endurance test. I’ve ran marathons through 100 degree weather that were easier than sitting through 96 minutes of Nick Swardson pretending to be funny.

Our hero Bucky Larson is the biggest imbecile you will ever come across assuming you live in the donkey butthole of the midwest as most of us fortunately do not. After failing at his latest menial job, Bucky discovers his parents were ex porn stars and decideds to follow in their footsteps and head out west to make his dreams come true and fulfill his destiny. Unfortunately for us what evolves farther than this vague plot point is nothing short of disastrous.

This movie is no Boogie Nights I can assure you, unless you assume that Mark Wahlberg’s Dirk Diggler character had a mentally retarded half brother chained up in the attic eating fish heads named Bucky Larson who escaped and made his way to the California porn industry.

This movie which would have worked better as a last minute SNL sketch, was dead on arrival. Nick Swardson doesn’t just scrape the bottom of the barrel, he took his pants off, greased up with crisco and sodomized that barrel repeatedly for 96 minutes of viewing pleasure.

Don’t waste your time or money and instead contribute to the Castrate Nick Swardson Foundation.

Sharp – AQUOS / 60” Class / 1080p / 120Hz / LCD HDTV

Simba is back and ready to fuck shit up. The Lion King roars back into theaters September 16, 2011 in a whole new HD 3D experience for those of you that can’t get enough of Timon and Pumba. I know we can’t.

Amber Heard

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The Rum Diary (Oct 28,2011)

The Double (Sep 23, 2011)

Hollywood has officially bottomed out. They quit trying to impress us faster than the fat chick next door quit Nutri System. Movies are not released to inspire awe and wonder anymore. Movies are a marketing tool used by clueless studio heads to sell merchandise and video games to a generation of lackluster teens.

If you can’t smell the stench of failure like a piss soaked gym towel in the back seat of your car than you are in desperate need of a wake up call. The disenchanted writers at Movie Monkey Shoot have compiled a list of the 6 Revealing reasons proving Hollywood has stopped trying for your reading pleasure. Hopefully this list inspires you to stop dropping a quarter of your paycheck every weekend supporting these swill merchants and use that money for something more productive. Like spending a coke fueled weekend in Vegas partying with 3 strippers and your best friends in the suite at the Bellagio. I’m just saying.

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6. The unwelcome revival of the dark ages.

If you haven’t already read our list of the Top 20 Terrible remakes and sequels from the 80′s, read it here. For some inane reason, Hollywood has decided that the decade which brought us such disasters as Crack labs, Howard the Duck, Madonna and neon parachute pants is ripe for the picking. With such recent cinematic travesties as Conan the Barbarian, Nightmare on Elm Street and the upcoming Footloose reboot, Hollywood has proven that although generation X does not want to relive the dark ages, they are nevertheless going to cram it down our throats until we can taste nothing more than Alf’s taint.

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5. Ashton Kutcher still has a job.

Now the hilariously ironic thing about Ashton is that besides being the worst modern-day movie actor of our generation, he is also currently dragging his sack across the face of failed 80′s Brat Pack member #4 Demi Moore while watching St. Elmo’s Fire on constant repeat. This guy isn’t just a bad actor. He takes bad acting to an existential art form. The fact that he still gets a paycheck and cast in sub par rom-com’s proves that Hollywood doesn’t care the slightest bit to entertain us anymore. They figure that since Ashton can still hide his receding hairline beneath a mop of hair and is in somewhat semblance of good physical shape, millions of prepubescent girls will pay $12 bucks to see him fumble through his lines in the latest rom-com with Natalie Portman or Katherine Heigl. The perfect metaphor to Ashton’s movie career is that he is now performing sloppy seconds to a role made famous by Charlie Sheen on TV’s Two and a Half Men with Duckie as his sidekick.

I hate sloppy seconds

4. Movies are now created by focus groups not screenwriters.

Now raise your hand if you think a Punky Brewster reboot is a good idea

Once upon a time there were actual screenwriters with storytelling talent that would spend countless hours punching away at a keyboard creating the next great American screenplay hoping that some Producer in Hollywood would finance their dream project. How else can you explain Pulp Fiction? Those days are long gone. In the 21st century film industry, films are decided first by a group of producers sitting in a hot tub smoking a blunt laced with cocaine. Then by a random focus group chosen from the outcasts of Maynardville, Tennessee whose only experience with the film industry is re-watching Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector to decide what intellectual media property from our past should be turned into a feature film.

This guy is helping Hollywood decide what movies we will soon see

3. Shaky Cam Handheld Shots.

One of the greatest inventions the French ever gave to us besides the blow job is the film technique called “Cinéma vérité” where a natural, documentary style of filmmaking makes you think you are part of the action. Now in the 21st century that technique has been replaced with some dude with a violent twitch holding a camcorder shaking it incessantly to create the illusion of good filmmaking. To try to confuse the audience into thinking they are watching a thrilling movie, the producers have decided that panning shots, tracking shots and graceful camera movements are only for those artsy European filmmakers. American audiences want their information much quicker and with constant explosions to keep your mind constantly titillated so you ignore the fact that what you are watching is utter nonsense.

Read: This movie sucks so bad it'll make you vomit

2. Classic Board Game Movie Adaptations

Do you remember playing the board game Battleship when the gigantic water aliens would pop out of the plastic board after you sank the Submarine with an A5? Neither do we but apparently the focus group that came up with a Battleship Movie felt it was imperative to the story to include these for the purpose of clever storytelling. Hopefully for us the Monopoly Movie is just a joke and this film ends the board game movie trend.

1. 3D

Regardless of what James Cameron and the journalistic wunderkind at Entertainment Weekly will lead you to believe, 3D technology is not the cutting edge of 21st century cinema. 3D movies have been around since the 50′s and they sucked just as bad back then as they do now. The only reason why we have had such a recent upsurge in the amount of 3D garbage released into theaters the last 3 years is because some intern at the studio had the brilliant idea that releasing EVERY movie (regardless if it needs it or not) in 3D instead of the normal 2D would decrease the amount of movie piracy and further increase the opening weekend box office numbers for the movie. Now this mode of action has had a negative two-pronged effect. Firstly, not everyone enjoys being constantly bombarded by 3D images along with paying extra money to see them, further increasing the migraine you leave the theater with. Therefore theater attendance has been significantly decreasing since the beginning of the new 3D craze. Secondly, more people would rather buy an HD flat screen and surround sound system with an $8 subscription to Netflix and watch movies at home than have to go see another dumb ass movie that had a post production 3D transfer further decreasing theater attendance.

Take THAT movie pirates!

If Hollywood doesn’t do something about the above problems, Movie theaters will soon be as empty as a 24 Hour Fitness in Corpus Christi, Texas.

Our Idiot Brother is Paul Rudd’s glorious return to comedy after his last failed attempts with Dinner For Schmucks and How Do You Know not to mention his ridiculous cameo in Year One. Paul Rudd is great as the loveable stoner Ned who foolishly sells a bag of marijuana to an uniformed cop and lands himself in prison. Upon his release from serving as most cooperative inmate, his former life has been destroyed by his ex-girlfriend and he has nowhere else to go but impose on his three sisters with amusing results.

Now understand when I tell you that Our Idiot Brother is not a hilariously raunchy movie filled with dirty limericks and does not contain endless one liners as some of his previous films. What it does have is a lead character that is all heart with good intentions and you can’t help but love this guy even though he has an IQ comparable to Homer Simpson. Everybody knows someone like Ned and can relate to this guy.

The crew at Movie Monkey Shoot actually had a former roommate that was a spitting image of Ned and we couldn’t help but point out the similarities. Even though he has the intelligence of a mentally challenged platypus, he still has a good heart and won’t screw you over regardless if he has the money to pay for rent or not. You got to love this guy. Go see this movie today.

Our Idiot Brother *** (2011)

90 Minutes

Comedy

Directed by Jesse Peretz

Paul Rudd, Elizabeth Banks, Zooey Deschanel, Emily Mortimer, Adam Scott, Rashida Jones